Often lately, I find myself editing photos and feeling as though I'm regressing. I confirm this by poring through earlier shots until I'm both impressed by the former (why the fuck didn't I see it then?) and disgusted by the latter. I could easily blame Covid, the state of the world, needing time to reevaluate my life... all of which are accurate, yet irrelevant things. Sure, I'm shaking off some rust. Rust which didn't even exist when I shot my first concert and knew nothing about a camera other than how to turn the damn thing on.
It was "the eye," they said. I had it. And the more I used it, the more pressure I felt. The more I wondered what others saw, what they wanted to see, what I might not be seeing. Attention is a breeding ground for expectation... and there I was, knocked up again.
The worst part is that I preached against this the whole time, and still do. But even being a Psych major and independent to a fault, I fell victim to Cognitive Dissonance so hard I probably would've married it if it were an option.
Now I sit here, wanting to get as wasted as the past few years, but knowing that intention has sobered my mind in ways that can't be outrun. I was over zealous before; now I'd just be pathetic.
It turns out I have learned, though maybe not in the traditional sense, but in the ways that matter. I still don't know what half the damn buttons do. I still get dizzy and nauseous and question my place as soon as the lights go down and there's no turning back. I hate it, I love it, and I hope it never changes. For any digital progress I've sacraficed I've made three times as much on my own soul. I wrote once, "Perhaps growth is simply recovering what's been lost." I can echo my own sentiments now, without hypocrisy. At least today, at least with this.
I could take a class or spend a few hours on Youtube and become acquainted with all the fancy terms, learn how to push all the right buttons, become as efficient as the machine I'm using... and I probably should. But perspective is like Aperature, (ha!) only as wide or as narrow as you allow it to be. It can't be taught... it can only be examined and either utilized or not, just like your own bullshit.
Humanity. I always had it to begin with.
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